Theatre etiquette

I'm a guy who often watches movies in theatre. I'm also a guy who often is displeased with people in theatres who do not understand what is going on. They do not understand THEATRE ETIQUETTE:

Eating chips

This is quite possibly the worst offense imaginable. What kind of inhumane monster are you? Chips are like popcorn times ten. They're louder to take out, and they're louder to eat. Every single time you reach into your bag to take some, the entire audience dies a little inside. Then you actually eat them, and entire conversations on screen are lost over the deafening noise of your crunching. JUST GET SOME POPCORN LIKE A NORMAL PERSON.

Seating

You walk into the room. Where to sit? Right next to some random person you don't know when there are tons of other seats available? No. You are now banned from that theatre forever. Way to go.

Phones

Are you expecting me to call you, confess my undying love and state that we'll be together forever? This isn't going to happen. Or will it? No. Turn off your phone, and please enjoy the movie.

Pagers

Nobody uses pagers anymore, gramps. Get with the times. And then turn them off.

Seating: part deux

One time, I was just sitting in a theatre with my brother, waiting for the movie to start. There was nobody else there. Some people walk in. Almost the entire theatre is available. THEY SIT RIGHT IN FRONT OF US. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?

Talking

You have nothing of interest to say. Do not talk during the movie.

Arriving absurdly late

For reasons not entirely clear, people will sometimes just walk into a movie half an hour after it's started. Bizarrely enough, this usually seems to happen for artsy kinds of movies, and the people will frequently just leave 15 minutes later. Is it just the same people doing this over and over, or is this some kind of strange sub-culture? Is there a website devoted to people who enjoy seeing small, random parts of indie/foreign movies in theatre? Hmm.

Whispering

It has already been clarified that you have nothing of interest to say. Do not make me say it again.

Go watch movies now.